How do you make a cat go 'woof'?
Soak it in petrol and set it on fire.

Little Johnny: "Mummy, mummy, does a lemon have a beak?"
Mum: "No it doesn't my son."
Little Johnny: "Oops, so it was a canary that I squeezed ..."

A lonely frog, desparate for some form of company telephoned the Psychic Hotline to find out what his future holds. His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you. "The frog is thrilled and says, "This is great! Where will I meet her, at work, at a party?"
"No" says the psychic, "in a Biology class."

A family of moles had been hibernating all winter. One beautiful spring morning, they woke up. The father mole stuck his head out of the hole and looked around. "Mother Mole!" He called back down the hole. "Come up here! I smell honey, fresh made honey!" The mother mole ran up and squeezed in next to him. "That's not honey, that's maple syrup! I smell maple syrup!" The baby mole, still down in the hole, was sulking. "I can't smell anything down here but molasses ..."

A dog walks into this bar, jumps up on the stool and says to the bartender, "Hey barkeep, it's my birthday today. How 'bout a free drink?"
The bartender turns, looks at the dog and nods his head, "Sure pal, toilet's right down the hall."

Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy.

An attractive lady from Seattle was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. A local on horseback came along and offered her a ride to the nearest town.

A rabbit came into a shop and asked, "Got any carrots?" The seller answered, "No!"
The next day the rabbit came again and asked, "Got any carrots?" The seller replied "No!"
Next day the rabbit came and asked, "Got any carrots?" The seller shouted, "No! And if you come again and ask for carrots, I'll take nails and hammer you on the wall by your ears!"
Early next morning the rabbit came back and asked, " Got any nails?" The seller answered, "No!" The rabbit asked, "Got any carrots?"

She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was pretty uneventful except that every few minutes the guy would let out a "Whoop" so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final "Yahoo" and rode off.
"Hey, what did you do to get him so fired up?" asked the service station attendant.
"Nothing," shrugged the woman, I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off.
"Lady," the attendant said, "that guy was riding bareback ..."

At an army training camp in Florida, the Seargent is giving a talk: "The main quality we look for in this army is commitment and this is what I call commitment." An alligator came in the room and bit the seargents penis. It stayed there for about a 10 seconds then the seargent poked it in the eyes and kicked it off.
"Now who's ready to show their commitment?" said the Seargent. A man put his hand up and said "I will, but promise you won't poke me in the eyes."

What did one lab rat say to the other?
I've got my scientist so well trained that every time I push the buzzer, he brings me a snack.

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says, "the parrot on the left costs 500 dollars". "Why does the parrot cost so much," asks the man. The shop owner says, "well, the parrot knows how to use a computer".

The man then asks about the next parrot to be told that this one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system.
Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot to be told that it costs 2,000 dollars. Needless to say this begs the question, "What can it do?" To which the shop owner replies, "to be honest I have never seen it do a thing, but the other two call him boss!"

One Sunday afternoon, a guy walks into a bar with his pet dog. The bartender said, "Sorry, pal. No pets allowed."
The man replied, "This is a special dog. Turn on the Jets game and you'll see."
The bartender, anxious to see what will happen, turned on the game.
The guy said, "Watch. Whenever the Jets score, my dog does flips." The Jets keep scoring field goals and the dog keeps flipping and jumping.
"Wow! That's one hell of a dog you got there. What happens when the Jets score a touchdown?" asked the bartender.
The man replied, "I don't know. I've only had him for seven years."What happens when frogs park illegally?
They get toad.

Why did the Archaeopteryx catch the worm?
Because it was an early bird!

What do you get if you cross an elephant and a kangaroo?
Big holes all over Australia!

One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on an exotic parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher. Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid. The price was high but the fine bird was finally his!
As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!"
"Don't worry," said the Auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?"

An old man took his dog to the vet after getting several complaints from the mailman. After examining the dog, the vet said, "Sir, I don't see anything wrong with your dog other than the fact that he is old, and through my years of practice, I have found that if you castrate an old dog, they will get fat and lazy and mellow out quite a bit."
After giving this much thought, the old man said, "OK doc, go ahead, because if I don't do something, my ass is going to end up in jail." Three days later, the old man went to the vet's office, picked the dog up and took him home.
That evening, the old man was sitting on his porch reading his paper, and the bulldog was laying by his side. Along came the mailman, who turned into the old man's front gate to give the old man his mail. Off of the porch jumped the dog, knocked the mailman down, and proceeded to tear his ass up.
The old man came off of the porch, picked the dog up, placed him under his arm and said, "Damn Mr. Mailman, I'm sorry as hell, but I just don't know what to do with this damn dog." "As a matter of fact, I just took him to the vet three days ago and had him castrated."
The mailman got up, brushed himself off and said, "Well you dumb son-of-a-bitch, you should have had his teeth pulled! Hell, I could tell that he didn't want to screw me when he came off of the porch!"

Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks.

Q: What do you call a dinosaur who is elected to Congress?
A: Rep. Tile!

There was a fly looking at some food in a river. The fly thought, "If I go down, I can get the food!"
There was a fish looking at the fly. The fish thought, "If the fly goes down to get the food, I can get the fly!"
There was a bear looking at the fish. The bear thought, "If the fly goes down to get the food, and that fish comes up to get the fly, I can get the fish!"
There was a man looking at the bear. The man thought, "If the fly goes down to get the food, the fish comes up to get the fly, and the bear gets the fish, I can shoot the bear!"
There was a mouse looking at the man. The mouse thought, "If the fly goes down to get the food, the fish comes up to get the fly, the bear gets the fish, and the man shoots the bear, I can get the man's sandwich!"
There was a cat looking at the mouse. The cat thought, "If the fly goes down to get the food, the fish comes up to get the fly, the bear gets the fish, the man shoots the bear, and the mouse gets the sandwich, I can get the mouse!"
So the fly goes down to get the food. The fish comes up and gets the fly. The bear swipes his mighty paw and gets the fish. The man shoots the bear. The mouse runs for the man's sandwich. The cat lunges for the mouse, misses, and falls in the river.What's the moral of the story?
When the fly goes down, the pussy gets wet.

A butcher is leaning on the counter toward the close of day when a dog with a basket in its jaws comes pushing through the door.
"An' wot's this then?" he asked. The dog knocks the basket sharply into the butcher's shins.
"You dumb dog." As he reaches down to smack the dog, he notices a note and a ten dollar bill in the basket.
The scribble on the note asks for three pounds of his best mince [ground beef]. The butcher figures this is too easy. He goes to the window and reaches for the dried up stuff that's been sitting out all day.
The dog growls at him. The butcher turns around and, glaring at the pup, gets the best mince from the fridge. Weighing out about 2 1/2 pounds, he drops in on the scale with his thumb.
"Hmmmmm, a bit shy. Who'll know?"
Again, the dog growls menacingly. "Alright, alright," as he throws on a generous half pound. He wraps it out, drops it in the basket, and drops in change from a five. The dog threatens to chew him off at the ankles. Another five goes in the basket.The butcher is quite impressed and decides to follow the piddy pup home. The dog quickly enters a high-rise buildings, pushes the lift button, enters the lift, and then pushes the button for the 12th floor. The dog walks down the corridor and smartly bangs the basket on the door. The door opens, and the dog's owner screams at the dog.
"Hey, what are you doing? That's a really smart dog you've got there," comments the butcher.
"He's a stupid dog - that's the third time this week he's forgotten his key.

Q: Which dinosaurs were the best policemen?
A: Tricera-cops !

The elephant asked the camel: "Why do you have your breasts on your back?"
The camel clearly irritated by the outrage of modesty replies: "What a silly question from someone who has a dick on his face."

Q: What do you get if you cross a skunk with a bear?
A: Winnie the Pooh!

Q: What should you call a bald teddy?
A: Fred bear!

Q: What animal do you look like when you get into the bath?
A: A little bear!

Q: What time is it when 3 bears are chasing you?
A: 3 after 1

Q: Why is polar bear cheap to have as a pet?
A: It lives on ice!

Q: Why shouldn't you take a bear to the zoo?
A: Because they'd rather go to the cinema!

Q: How do you hire a teddy bear?
A: Put him on stilts!

Q: What do you call a big white bear with a hole in his middle?
A: A polo bear!

Q: How do you start a teddy bear race?
A: Ready, teddy, go!

Q: What does a Triceratops sit on?
A: Its Tricera-bottom.

Q: What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars ?
A: Tyrannosaurus wrecks !

Q: Why did the dinosaur get in the bed ?
A: Because he was tired!

Q: Why did the dinosaur cross the road ?
A: It was the chicken's day off.

Receptionist: Doctor, there's an invisible dinosaur in the waiting room.
Doctor: Tell her I can't see her!

Q: What do you call a fossil that doesn't ever want to work?
A: Lazy bones!

Q: What did the dinosaur say after the car crash ?
A: I'msosaurus

Q: What do you call a tyrannosaurus that talks and talks and talks ...?
A: A dinobore!

Q: What was T. rex's favorite number?
A: Eight! (ate)

Q: Why are there old dinosaur bones in the museum?
A: Because they can't afford new ones!

Q: Is it true that a dinosaur won't attack if you hold a tree branch?
A: That depends on how fast you carry it!

John: I lost my pet dinosaur.
Ron: Why don't you put an ad in the newspaper ?
John: What good would that do, she can't read!

Q: What did the Tyrannosaurus rex get after mopping the floor?
A: Dino-sore!

Q: Why did the dinosaurs go extinct?
A: Because they wouldn't take a bath !

Q: What makes more noise than a dinosaur ?
A: Two dinosaurs !

Q: What do you call a Stegosaurus with carrots in its ears ?
A: Anything you want, it can't hear you!

Q: What do you call a dinosaur that never gives up?
A: Try-Try-Try-ceratops !

Q: What do you call a dinosaur that smashes everything in its path?
A: Tyrannosaurus wrecks !

Q: Which dinosaur slept all day ?
A: The dino-snore!

Q: What do you call Tyrannosaurus rex when it wears a cowboy hat and boots ?
A: Tyrannosaurus tex!

Q: What do you say when you meet a two-headed dinosaur?
A: Hello, hello!

Q: What do you do if you find a blue Ichthyosaur ?
A: Cheer him up!

Q: Did the dinosaur take a bath ?
A: Why, is there one missing?

Q: What's the best way to talk to a Tyrannosaur ?
A: Long distance!

Q: What kind of dinosaur can you ride in a rodeo?
A: A Bronco-saurus !

Q: What do you get when you cross a dinosaur with fireworks?
A: DINOMITE!

Q: Which type of dinosaur could jump higher than a house ?
A: Any kind! A house can't jump!

Q: What does a giant Tyrannosaurus eat?
A: Anything she wants!

Q: Why did the dinosaur paint her toenails red?
A: So she could hide in the strawberry patch!

Q: What should you do if you find a dinosaur in your bed ?
A: Find somewhere else to sleep!

Q: Do you know how long dinosaurs should be fed?
A: Exactly the same as short dinosaurs !

Q: When can three giant dinosaurs get under an umbrella and not get wet?
A: When it's not raining!

Q: How did the dinosaur feel after he ate a pillow?
A: Down in the mouth !

Q: What do you get when a dinosaur walks through the strawberry patch?
A: Strawberry jam !

Q: Where was the dinosaur when the sun went down ?
A: In the dark!

Q: What's as big as a dinosaur but weighs nothing?
A: Her shadow!

Q: What do you get when a dinosaur sneezes?
A: Out of the way!

Q: What do you get if you cross a pig with a dinosaur ?
A: Jurassic Pork!

Q: How do you know if there's a dinosaur in your refrigerator ?
A: Look for footprints in the pizza !

Q: What happened when the dinosaur took the train home?
A: She had to bring it back!

Johnny: Why did the Triceratops cross the road ?
Billy: He didn't, the chicken crossed the road .
Johnny: Well, why did the chicken cross the road ?
Billy: To get away from the Triceratops !

Q: How do you know if there's a dinosaur under your bed ?
A: Your nose hits the ceiling!

Q: Why was the dinosaur afraid of the ocean ?
A: Because there was something fishy about it!

Q: What do you call a Stegoceras with one leg?
A: Eileen (I lean)!

Mother: Why are you crying?
Daughter: Because I wanted to get a dinosaur for my baby brother .
Mother: That's no reason to cry.
Daughter: Yes it is! No one would trade me!

Q: What was the scariest prehistoric animal?
A: The Terror-dactyl !

Q: What has a spiked tail, plates on its back, and sixteen wheels?
A: A Stegosaurus on roller skates!

Q: What do you call it when a dinosaur slides in to home plate?
A: A dinoscore!

Q: What do you get if you cross a Triceratops with a kangaroo ?
A: A Tricera-hops!

Q: What made the dinosaur's car stop ?
A: A flat Tire-annosaurus !

Q: What do you call a dinosaur that left its armor out in the rain ?
A: A Stegosau-rust !

Q: What type of tool does a prehistoric reptile carpenter use?
A: A dino-saw !

Q: Who makes the best prehistoric reptile clothes ?
A: A dino-sewer !