"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up," said the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet."Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?"inquired the teacher with a sneer."Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to seeyou standing up there all by yourself."

An exasperated mother, whose son was always gettinginto mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect toget into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll just run in andout and in and out and keep slamming the door until St.Peter says 'For Heaven's sake, Jimmy, come in or stay out!'"

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up ourcar, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the servicedepartment and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver'sside door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively triedthe door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announcedto the technician, "it's open!" To which he replied, "I know - I alreadygot that side."

After dying in an accident, three friends go toHeaven for orientation. They are all asked the samequestion: "When you are in your casket, and friendsand family are mourning over you, what would you liketo hear them say about you?"
The first guy immediately responds, "I would like tohear them say that I was one of the great doctors ofmy time, and a great family man."The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I wasa wonderful husband and school teacher who made ahuge difference in the children of tomorrow."The last guy thinks a minute and replies, "I guessI'd like to hear them say, 'Look, he's moving!"

Doctor, doctor, my wooden leg is giving me a lot of pain.Why's that?
My wife keeps hitting me over the head with it.

Doctor, doctor, my hair's coming out. Can you give me something to keep it in?
Certainly - how about a paper bag?

Doctor, doctor, people keep ignoring me.
Next, please!

Doctor, doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains.
Pull yourself together!

Doctor, doctor, I feel like a bridge.
What's come over you?
Two cars and a bus!

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a spoon.
Sit there and don't stir.

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a billiard ball.
Get back in the queue.

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a pack of cards.
I'll deal with you later.

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking there's two of me.
One at a time, please.

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a dog.
Lie down on the couch and I'll examine you.
I can't. I'm not allowed on the furniture.

Doctor: "Take the green pill with a glass of waterwhen you get up. Take the blue pill with 2 glassesof water after lunch. Then just before going to bed,take the red pill with another glass of water."
Man: "Exactly what's my problem, doc?"
Doctor: "You're not drinking enough water."

The Smiths were shown into the dentist's office, whereMr. Smith made it clear that he didn't want to spenda lot of money.
"No fancy stuff, Doctor," he ordered, "No gas or needlesor any of that stuff. Just pull the tooth and get itover with."
"I wish more of my patients were as stoic as you," saidthe dentist admiringly. "Now, which tooth is it?"
Mr. Smith turned to his wife...
"Show him your tooth, honey!"

A woman went to a doctors' office and was seen byone of the new doctors. But after about 4 minutes in the examination room,she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked her what theproblem was, and when she explained, he had her sitdown and relax in another room. The older doctor marched back to the first anddemanded, 'What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terryis 63 years old, she has four grown children and sevengrandchildren, and you told her she was PREGNANT?? The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to writeon his clipboard. 'Cured her hiccups though, didn't I?"

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with aninflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised himthat all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at thehairs on his chest. Worried that it might be second surgerythe doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energyto pull his hospital gown down enough so he could look atwhat was making him so uncomfortable. Taped firmly across his hairy chest were three wide stripsof adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off. Written inlarge black letters was the sentence. "Get well quick..... from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week."

While working for an organization that delivers lunchesto elderly shut-ins, I used to take my four-year-old daughteron my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued bythe various necessary appliances, particularly the canes,walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soakingin a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions,she merely turned and whispered, The tooth fairy will neverbelieve this!"

A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began puttingaway the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers andspread them all over the table. "What are you doing?" his mother asked. "Thebox says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained. "I'mlooking for the seal."

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,"Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?"
To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?"
She smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."

A Sunday school teacher asked her children as theywere on the way to church service,"And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied,"Because people are sleeping."

I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin,the Lord's Prayer for several evenings at bedtime.She would repeat after me the lines from the prayer.right up to the end of the prayer:
"Lead us not into temptation," she prayed,"but deliver us from E-mail.

A wife invited some people to dinner.
At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,"Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say",the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say", the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said,"Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old familyBible to her brother in another part of the country. "Is thereanything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk. "Only theTen Commandments." Answered the lady.

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas justbefore a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly,but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendantmotioned him toward a vacant pump. "Reverend," said theyoung man, "I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as ifeveryone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."
The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the samein my business."

After church, a Mom asked her very young daughterwhat the lesson was about. The daughter answered,"Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt."
Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, thePastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what thatmorning's Sunday school lesson was about. He said "Be notafraid, thy comforter is coming."

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they’re dead."

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads," Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "Nah, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

It was mealtime during a flight on American Airlines.
“Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
"What are my choices?" John asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.

A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesmancommented, "This sort of thing is all too common".(The Times)

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped.
She keeps it in the trunk.

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, has your plane arrived yet?"

While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."

One day a policeman stopped a motorist who had just gone through a four way stop sign and was about to give him a ticket when the motorist said. "Officer you can't give me a ticket for that!' "Why not" said the officer. "Because although I did not stop I slowed right down and its almost the same." "But you did not stop" replied the officer, "and the sign says STOP." "But the way was clear and it was safe" replied the motorist. The officer then pulls out his baton and starts hitting the motorist. "What are you doing!" yells the motorist in surprise. "Do you want me to slow down or stop" says the officer.

The following question and answer was collected from last year's Geography GCSE exam results in Swindon, Wiltshire.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

A man goes to the hospital and says to the doctor: "It hurts when I press here" (pressing his side) "And when I press here" (pressing the other side) "And here" (his leg) "And here, here and here" (his other leg, and both arms) So the doctor examined him all over and finally said... "You've got a broken finger!"

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.
Now the world is weird, people take Prozac to make it normal.

There are 2 cowboys in the kitchen. Which one is the real cowboy?
The one on the range.

Do you wanna lose ten pounds of ugly fat?
Cut off your head.

A Horse goes into a bar and the bartender says
"Hey buddy, Why the Long Face"

Q. Where do you find a one legged dog?
A. Where you left it.

Q. What's pink and fluffy
A. Pink fluff

Q. What's blue and fluffy
A. Pink fluff holding it's breath

Two muffins are in the oven.
One says to the other "God it's hot in here"
The other one replies "Oh no... It's a talking muffin"