I was a war baby. My parents took one look at me and started fighting.

I drank eight cokes and burped 7-up

The relatives of the family's rich dowager gathered for the reading of her will after her long awaited death.
"Being of sound mind," read the lawyer, "I spent every last cent before I died."

A man was sitting on a bus chewing gum and staring vacantly into space. Suddenly the old woman sitting opposite him said, "It's no good you talking to me young man, I'm stone deaf."

"During WW2, the French resistance fighters, in their finest hour, bravely threw sticks of dynamite at the advancing German troops." "The Germans then lit them and threw them back."

According to a recent survey by the Academy of Incomplete Research, nine out of ten people are

I'm so homesick. But this is your home. I know, and I'm sick of it.

Dracula met Frankenstein in the street one day. Drackie says to Frankie; "You know, you're better than all my friends put together.......Come to think of it, you ARE all my friends put together!"

Indian Chief Shortcake died, so squaw bury Shortcake.

A prospector marched into an assayer's office and planted two huge gold nuggets on the counter. "Well, don't just stand there, assay something!"

TAn Uncle died, left several hundred clocks to a niece, she's busy winding up the estate.

Max told his friend he didn't want to go for a hike in the hills.
"I'm an anti-climb Max."

A man was reading The Canterbury Tales at breakfast one saturday morning.
His wife asked "What have you got there?"
"Just my cup and Chaucer."

A condo committee was screening a couple interested in renting an apartment: "What kind of work do you do?" they were asked. "My husband is an engineer and I'm a school-teacher," the wife replied. "Any children?" asked a committee member. "Yes, 7 & 8 years old," the wife replied. "Animals?" asked another committee member. "Oh no! They're very well-behaved!"

Two boys went out duck hunting for the first time. They were out in the cold morning for hours, and though ducks were everywhere they hadn't been able to get even one. Finally, one boy says to the other, "Maybe we ought to give this up." The other replies, "Naw, let's give it a while longer."
"C'mon, let's face it, we just ain't duck hunters."
"Well, let's keep trying. Maybe we're just not throwing the dogs up high enough."

Two atoms are sitting next to each other and one says, "I lost an electron." The other asks, "Are you sure?"
"Yeah," the first replies. "I'm positive."

Judge: "Do you wish to challenge any of the jury?"
Prisoner: "Well, I think I can lick that little fellow on this end..."
Student: WOW !

Walt Disney didn't die. He's in suspended animation.

Old photographers never die, they just stop developing.

Old bookkeepers never die, they just lose their figure

It is better to have loved a short man than never to have loved a tall.

Heard on Noahs' ark: Sailing is fun, but scrubbing the decks is aardvark.

Chemistry professors never die, they just fail to react.

Old musicians never die, they just decompose.

No,Scotty. I said "Beam me ABOARD". Not "A BROAD"

Sorry, I forgot all about the amnesia conference!

Salvador Dali for Coca Cola: It's surreal thing.

Prunes give you a run for your money.

Now that I have your ear, Mr. Van Gogh...

My reality check just bounced - Insufficient substance.

Me? FAT? No, just horizontally challenged....

Mary had potatoes, wine, salad, and a little lamb.
Girl: I promised my mom that I wouldn't let you touch me below my belt.

Is that seat saved? No, but we're praying for it.

I'm so broke, I can't even afford to pay attention.

I don't eat snails - I only eat fast food.

Passer-by: What are you digging for?
Workman: Money.
Passer-by: And when do you expect to get it?
Workman: Pay-day.

"Do you think what we're doing is wrong?"
"Of course it's wrong! It's illegal!"
"I've never done anything illegal before."
"I thought you said you were an accountant!"

My brother is so stupid he thinks that aroma is someone who travels a lot.

'Hi Bob, Where have you been?'
'The cemetery.'
'Oh! Who's dead?'
'They all are.'

Dad, there's someone at the door collecting for the old folks home. Shall I give him grandma?

How do we know that Rome was built at night?
Because all the books say it wasn't built in a day!

He was so narrow-minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes.

Don't worry if you're a kleptomaniac, you can always take something for it.

My friend just fell in love with the head nurse at the hospital where he is - I guess you can say that he's taken a turn for the nurse!

Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana.

To err is human, to moo bovine.

You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish.

You know it's going to be a bad day when you want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party and there aren't any.

You Know When It's Going To Be A Bad Day When :-
You call your wife and tell her that you would like to eat out tonight .... and when you get home there is a sandwich on the front porch.

Don't worry if you're a kleptomaniac, you can always take something for it.

You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish.

Do ya guys wanna hear a cookie joke?
Forget it, it's too crummy.

I was supposed to work in the blood lab, but they told me I wasn't the right type for the job.

If Fairbanks Alaska passed a law outlawing all dogs, what would it be called?
Dogless Fairbanks!

What did the boy mushroom say to the girl mushroom?
Hey, I'm a fun guy!

"I just got a new hearing aid. It's the best one I've ever had."
"What kind is it?"
"Oh, about 9:30......."

When I was young I had a lot of spots and pimples. One day I fell asleep in a library. I woke up and a blind man was reading my face.

Beam me up, Scotty. There's no intelligent life down here. - J.T. Kirk

You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you can make a fool of yourself anytime.