Why are hurricanes normally named after women?
When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them.

As the airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts etc. Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell and crew take you safely to your destination."

Joe sitting in the 8th row thought to himself, "Did I hear her right - is the captain a woman? I think I better have scotch and soda."

When the attendants came by with drink cart, he said, "Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?"
"Yes," said the attendant, "In fact, this entire crew is female."

A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a Genie's lamp. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a Genie appeared. The amazed woman asked if she was going to receive the usual three wishes.

"That's another thing," said the attendant, "We no longer call it the cockpit."
Ever notice how so many of women's problems can be traced to the male gender?
1) MENstruation
2) MENopause
3) MENtal breakdown
...

Woman: The most efficient money reducing agent known to man-kind!

"My God," said Joe, "I'd better have two scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think of all those women up there in the cockpit."

The Genie said, "Nope ... due to inflation, constant downsizing, low wages in third-world countries, and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So ... what'll it be?"

The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other."

The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Gadzooks, lady! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm good, but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish."

The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the housecleaning, is good in bed and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That's what I wish for ... a good mate."

The Genie let out a long sigh and said, "Let me see that fucking map!"

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.

"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve.

A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bustline forty four".

Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return.

This time the husband crosses his fingers and says "Mirror mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!".

Why did God create man?
Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN
Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, wine and dine her, buy gifts for her, listen to her, respect her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her.

In a small town in the US, there is a rather sizable factory that hires only married men. Concerned about this, a local woman called on the manager and asked him, "Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think women are weak, dumb, cantankerous ... or what?"

"Not at all, Ma'am," the manager replied. "It is because our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut and don't pout when I yell at them."

Man: "Hey, baby, if you come home with me, I can show you a really good time."
Woman: "You know what your problem is? Your mouth is writing checks that your body can't cash."

What do you call a woman who works as hard as a man?
Lazy.

Why do so many women fake orgasm?
Because so many men fake foreplay.

At a session with a marriage counselor, the wife snapped at her husband: "That's not true! I do so enjoy sex!"
Then, turning to the counselor, she explained: "But this animal expects it four or five times a year!"

Why are women so bad at mathematics?
Because men keep telling them that this (make gap with thumb and forefinger) is 9 inches.

A man has 6 items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

After hearing a pick-up line:
Woman: "I like your approach, now let's see your departure."

Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized."

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me ..."

How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
11 - 10 to form a committee and 1 to get her boyfriend to do it...

How can you tell if your wife is dead?
The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

How many divorced Women does it take to screw in a light bulb?
4,1 to screw in the bulb, 3 to form a support group.

How many men does it take to please a woman.
Impossible. Once a woman's done bitching about the men they're all asleep.

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Why do women close their eyes during sex?
They can't stand to see a man have a good time.

What's worse than a male chauvinistic pig?
A women who won't do what she's told.

Why did the woman cross the road?
That's not the point,what's she doing out of the kitchen?

What do you do if your dishwasher breaks down?Kick her where the sun don't shine.

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
He died laughing before he could tell anybody.

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Women never have anything to wear. Don't question the racks of clothes in the closet; you 'just don't understand'.

Women need to cry. And they won't do it alone unless they know you can hear them.

Women will always ask questions that have no right answer, in an effort to trap you into feeling guilty.

Women love to talk. Silence intimidates them and they feel a need to fill it, even if they have nothing to say.

Women can't keep secrets. They eat away at them from the inside. And they don't view it as being untrustworthy, providing they only tell two or three people.

If a man goes on a seven-day trip, he'll pack five days worth of clothes and will wear some things twice; if a woman goes on a seven-day trip she'll pack 21 outfits because she doesn't know what she'll feel like wearing each day.

Women are never wrong. Apologizing is the man's responsibility, 'It's there in the Bible'. Hmmm, who was it that gave Adam the apple?

Women do not know anything about cars. 'Oil-stick, oil doesn't stick?'

Women can't keep secrets. They eat away at them from the inside. And they don't view it as being untrustworthy, providing they only tell two or three people.

The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

Women love to talk on the phone. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, or get the mail.

Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of getting lost using a shortcut.

Women will make three right-hand turns to avoid making one left-hand turn.

Women cannot use a map without turning the map to correspond to the direction that they are heading.

If it is not Valentines day and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, 'What did you do?'

Only women understand the reason for 'guest towels' and the 'good china'.

The good girls keep the diaries the bad girls never have the time.

I always thought that if I were popular, I must be doing something wrong.

The idea of strictly minding our own business is moldy rubbish. Who could be so selfish?

When a man gets up to speak, people listen, the look. When a woman gets up people look; then, if they like what they see, they listen.

When you have a baby, you set off an explosion in your marriage, and when the dust settles, your marriage is different from what it was. Not better, necessarily; but different.

Personally, I think if a woman hasn't met the right man by the time she's 24, she may be lucky.

Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.

Whenever I dwell for any length of time on my own shortcoming, they gradually begin to seem mild, harmless, rather engaging little things, not at all like the staring defects in other people's charachters.

When he is late for dinner and I know he must be either having an affair or lying dead in the street, I always hope he's dead.

The ultimate lesson all of us have to learn is unconditional love; which includes not only others but ourselves as well.